Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
