The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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