Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
