Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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