There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
