I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
