the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
