She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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