I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
