i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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