Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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