I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
