I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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