i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
