what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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