Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
