did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
