I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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