You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I will pee on everything he values.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
