i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
