is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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