and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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