mondays should just be called national damage control day
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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