Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
