I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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