Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
