thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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