dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
