Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
