Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
