hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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