Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
