Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
