i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I could fuck to npr.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
