He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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