I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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