I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
