I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
