the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
handjob tips. give me some.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
