ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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