She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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