At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why do cheetos always look like penises
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
