She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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