I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
