And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
