Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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