My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
