i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
