he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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