i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
