I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
