dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Four minutes until I can fart!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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