I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
