I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
