I think I am morally bankrupt
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
