Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
