Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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